26 Oct The Talking Stage: What It Is and How Long It Should Last
You have been messaging for three weeks. You have had two phone calls and one coffee. You think about him more than you expected to. And if a friend asked whether you are dating, you would not know what to say.
Younger people have a name for this: the talking stage. It is the period after mutual interest and before anything is defined, and for many people returning to dating after a long marriage it is the most unfamiliar part of all.
What the talking stage is
The talking stage is the stretch of getting to know someone before you are officially dating. You are in regular contact, there is interest on both sides, and nobody has yet said what this is.
It usually involves a lot of messaging, some calls, and perhaps a few meetings. It is not a relationship, and it is not exclusive unless you have agreed that it is. It is a period of finding out.
Why it exists now
When most people now in their fifties and sixties last dated, the order was simpler. You met, you were asked out, and going on dates was itself the getting-to-know-you stage.
Online dating changed that. People now often start talking before they have met, and the talking can go on for weeks. Pew Research Center found that among people in relationships of less than three years, meeting online was as common as meeting through friends or family, 28 percent against 27 percent. When a relationship starts on a screen, a talking stage almost always comes with it.
How long it should last
There is no rule, but there are useful limits.
Before meeting: a week or two of messages is plenty. Longer than that, and you are building a picture of someone that may not survive the first coffee.
After meeting: a few weeks to a couple of months of seeing each other without labels is common. Beyond that, if neither person has raised what this is, it is worth asking.
The longer a talking stage goes on without progress, the more likely it is that one person is less interested than the other, or is talking to several people at once.
Why it feels harder later in life
The rules are unspoken. Many people assume the old order still applies: if he calls regularly, we must be dating. The other person may be working from very different assumptions.
People may be talking to several others. In the talking stage, that is normal and usually not hidden on purpose. It can still come as a surprise.
The uncertainty lands harder. After decades of knowing exactly where you stood, an undefined connection can be unsettling. Our note on how to stop overthinking a new relationship covers how to manage that.
Signs the talking stage is going well
Contact is consistent, not just intense. You hear from them on ordinary days as well as exciting ones.
It moves offline. Plans to meet are made and kept, and the meetings become more regular.
Questions go deeper. You are learning about each other’s families, histories and hopes, not just exchanging pleasantries.
They make room for you. Plans are made ahead rather than at the last minute.
Signs it is going nowhere
It stays on the screen. Lots of messages, few meetings.
The effort is lopsided. You initiate most of the contact.
Plans are vague. “We should do something sometime” without a date attached.
It runs hot and cold. Days of attention, then silence. Our note on how to communicate your needs can help you say what you want without pressure.
How to move it forward
Suggest meeting early. If you have been messaging for a week or two, propose a specific time and place.
Say what you are looking for. “I am looking for a relationship, not just someone to message” is a clear and fair thing to say at any point.
Ask where they are. After several dates, “I am enjoying this. Are you seeing where it goes too?” is a natural question, not an ultimatum.
Decide your own limit. Know how long you are willing to stay undefined, and act on it.
Frequently asked questions
What is the talking stage in dating?
The period after two people show interest in each other but before they are officially dating, usually involving messages, calls and a few meetings.
How long should the talking stage last?
Usually a few weeks to a couple of months. If it continues well beyond that without either person defining it, ask directly where things stand.
Is the talking stage exclusive?
Not unless you have both agreed it is. Many people talk to more than one person during this stage.
What comes after the talking stage?
Usually dating more regularly, then agreeing to be exclusive, then calling it a relationship. Some couples move through these steps quickly, others more slowly.
How do I end the talking stage?
Kindly and briefly. A short message saying you have enjoyed talking but do not see it going further is enough.
Skipping the guesswork
Much of the talking stage exists because two people do not yet know whether they want the same thing. Matchmaking answers that question before the first conversation, because both people have already said they want a committed relationship. If you would rather start from there, you can apply for a consultation.
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