What Is Contempt in a Relationship?

20 Oct What Is Contempt in a Relationship?

It can be as small as an eye roll when you tell a story she has heard before. A sigh when he asks a question. A joke at dinner, in front of friends, that everyone laughs at except you. Nobody shouted. Nothing was technically said. And yet you came away feeling smaller.

That feeling has a name, and it matters more than almost anything else that happens between two people.

What contempt is

Contempt is treating your partner as beneath you. It communicates superiority, and often a kind of disgust, about who they are rather than about something they did.

It shows up as mockery, sarcasm with an edge, name-calling, sneering, mimicking, the eye roll, and humour designed to wound. The Gottman Institute, which has studied couples for decades, describes it as the most destructive of the four behaviours it calls the Four Horsemen, and states that in John Gottman’s research it was the number one predictor of divorce.

The reason is straightforward. You can repair an argument with someone who respects you. It is very hard to repair anything with someone who has concluded you are not worth respecting.

Contempt, criticism and anger are different

Anger is about a situation: “I am furious that you forgot.”

Criticism is about character, but stays at eye level: “You always forget things that matter to me.”

Contempt looks down: “Of course you forgot. Remembering things is apparently beyond you.”

Couples who argue loudly are not necessarily in trouble. Couples where one person routinely speaks to the other from above usually are, even if their arguments are quiet.

Where it comes from

Contempt rarely appears out of nowhere. It usually grows from needs that were never addressed and grievances that hardened over time. Somewhere along the way, “I am frustrated with what you do” becomes “I have a low opinion of who you are.”

That is why contempt so often shows up late in long marriages, and why people who have just left one tend to recognise it instantly. Many describe the end of their marriage less as a series of fights than as a slow realisation that their spouse no longer seemed to like them.

Why it matters when you are dating again

Early contempt is a red flag, not a phase. If someone you have been seeing for a few weeks already mocks you, belittles your opinions or is scornful about your friends, it is unlikely to soften as they get more comfortable. Comfort tends to make it worse.

Watch also how they talk about other people. Someone who speaks about a former spouse, a waiter or a colleague with open scorn is showing you their default. We cover other early warning signs in our note on red flags when dating in your 50s.

There is a second, less comfortable question: whether you are bringing contempt with you. After a bitter divorce, it is easy to carry a low opinion of men in general, or women in general, into a new relationship. A new partner will feel that, even if it was never meant for them.

How to reverse it

If contempt has crept into a relationship worth keeping, the Gottman approach has two parts.

In the moment, describe yourself rather than them. Instead of “You are hopeless with time,” try “It matters to me that we are on time. Can you help me with that?” The complaint is still made. The superiority is gone.

Over time, rebuild fondness and admiration. Deliberately noticing and saying what you value about your partner, out loud and often, is the long-term antidote. It feels artificial at first. It works because contempt depends on a story that the other person is lesser, and appreciation interrupts that story.

If you are on the receiving end, name it calmly and specifically: “When you rolled your eyes just now, I felt dismissed.” If it continues after that, it is not a misunderstanding.

Frequently asked questions

What are examples of contempt in a relationship?

Eye-rolling, sneering, mocking your partner’s voice, sarcastic remarks about their intelligence, insulting nicknames, and jokes at their expense that they have asked you to stop.

Is contempt the same as disrespect?

Contempt is a severe form of disrespect. Disrespect can be thoughtless. Contempt carries a sense of superiority, a belief that the other person is beneath you.

Can a relationship recover from contempt?

Yes, if the person showing it recognises it and both people work on rebuilding appreciation. It is much harder once it has become the default tone, which is why catching it early matters.

Is contempt a form of emotional abuse?

Occasional contempt is a damaging habit. Persistent belittling designed to control or diminish someone can cross into emotional abuse. If you feel afraid, or increasingly unsure of your own judgement, speak to someone you trust or a professional.

Why do I feel contempt for my partner?

Usually because something has gone unaddressed for a long time. It is worth asking what the original grievance was, and whether it can still be raised directly.

Respect from the first introduction

Contempt is hard to spot early because almost everyone is polite at the start. One of the things a matchmaker listens for in a consultation is tone: how someone describes a former spouse, the people they work with, the people who did not work out. That tells us a great deal about how they will treat a partner once the politeness wears off. If you would like introductions made with that in mind, you can book a consultation.