What Is Respect in a Relationship?

21 Oct What Is Respect in a Relationship?

Respect is one of those words everyone agrees matters and few people can define. Ask someone what it means in a relationship and you will usually get examples of its absence: being talked over, being dismissed, having a decision made for you.

That is a useful clue. Respect is easiest to see when it is missing. But it is worth defining properly, because at this stage of life it is often the deciding factor in whether a new relationship lasts.

A working definition

Respect in a relationship means treating your partner as an equal whose judgement, time and feelings carry the same weight as your own. Not more, which becomes deference. Not less, which becomes control.

In practice that breaks down into a few things you can actually observe.

Their opinion changes things. When they disagree, you consider it and sometimes adjust. Decisions that affect both of you are made by both of you.

Their time is treated as valuable. Plans are kept, lateness is explained, cancellations are rare and apologised for.

Their boundaries are honoured the first time. A no does not need repeating.

Their history is not used against them. Things shared in trust stay that way, including in arguments.

They are spoken about well. In front of friends, family and children, and when they are not in the room.

The research on letting yourself be influenced

The clearest research on respect in couples comes from John Gottman’s long-term study of 130 newlywed couples. Men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier marriages and were less likely to divorce. According to the Gottman Institute, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance his marriage will self-destruct.

The finding was about husbands in heterosexual marriages, but the principle generalises. Respect is not mainly about politeness. It is about whether your partner’s view is allowed to change your mind.

Why respect matters more the second time

People who left long marriages often describe the end in terms of respect rather than love. The love may still have been there. What went was the sense of being taken seriously.

That history makes many people at this stage alert, sometimes highly so, to the early signs of disrespect. That is healthy. It also means respect in a new relationship needs to be demonstrated, not assumed.

There is a practical dimension too. Two people meeting at fifty or sixty bring established homes, finances, children and routines. A relationship between two complete lives only works if each person respects the other’s existing commitments, rather than expecting them to rearrange everything around the new relationship. We discuss the related question of shared priorities in our note on values in a relationship.

Early signs to watch

Disrespect rarely announces itself. In the first months it tends to look like this:

Small corrections in public. Fixing your stories, finishing your sentences, explaining things you already know.

Jokes at your expense that continue after you have said you do not find them funny.

Unilateral decisions. Booking the restaurant, the trip or the weekend without asking.

Dismissing your concerns. “You are overreacting” in place of “tell me more”.

How they treat people with less power. Waiters, drivers, assistants. This is where respect, or its absence, is easiest to see.

We cover a wider set of warning signs in our note on red flags when dating in your 50s.

Showing respect yourself

Ask before deciding. Even small things. It signals that their view counts.

Let yourself be persuaded. Not always, but genuinely. If you never change your mind, the conversation is not really a conversation.

Keep your word on small things. Calls, times, plans. These are where respect is built or eroded week to week.

Disagree without contempt. You can think someone is wrong and still treat them as intelligent.

Frequently asked questions

What does respect look like in a relationship?

Listening and being willing to be influenced, keeping commitments, honouring boundaries, protecting each other’s privacy, and speaking well of each other to others.

Is respect more important than love?

Many people who have been through a divorce would say so. Love without respect tends to curdle. Respect without love can at least be a stable friendship.

Can respect be rebuilt once it is lost?

Sometimes, if the person who lost it recognises what happened and changes consistently. It is slower to rebuild than it is to lose.

What is mutual respect?

Both partners treating each other’s views, time and boundaries as equally important. If only one person is doing the respecting, it is not mutual.

What are signs someone does not respect you?

Ignoring your boundaries, making decisions for you, mocking you, being consistently late or unreliable, and dismissing your feelings as overreactions.

Meeting people who take you seriously

How someone treats the people around them is one of the first things a matchmaker notices, and one of the hardest things to see on an app. Our consultations are partly about exactly that: how someone speaks about others, how they describe their last relationship, whether they listen. If you would like introductions made with that in mind, you can request a consultation.