Matchmaking Questions: What You Will Be Asked and What to Ask Back

04 Sep Matchmaking Questions: What You Will Be Asked and What to Ask Back

People arrive at a first matchmaking conversation braced for an interrogation about their romantic history. That is not really what happens, and the gap between what people expect to be asked and what they are actually asked is worth closing before you sit down.

This works in both directions. There is a set of questions a competent matchmaker will ask you, and a smaller set you should be asking them.

What a matchmaker asks you, and why

The questions look conversational. Most of them are doing specific work. For the shape of the meeting itself, see what to expect at a matchmaker consultation.

What does an ordinary week look like for you? Not a lifestyle question. It establishes the practical shape of your life: when you are actually free, how much of your time is committed, whether you travel, whether children are at home and on what schedule. Two people can be well suited and still unable to construct a relationship out of the hours available to them. This gets checked early because it is disqualifying more often than temperament is.

Tell me about your last serious relationship. The content matters less than the manner. What is being noticed is whether you can describe it without heat, whether you can name your own contribution, and whether it sounds finished. Somebody who cannot yet talk about a marriage without relitigating it is usually not ready to be introduced to anyone, and it is kinder to establish that in a consultation than after three introductions.

What has your dating experience been recently? This locates you. Someone who has met nobody in six years and someone who has been on forty app dates in a year are in different positions and need different handling.

What would make you decline a second meeting? More revealing than asking what you are looking for. Nearly everyone answers the positive version the same way. The negative version produces real specifics, and it surfaces requirements people do not think to state.

Which of your preferences would you actually reconsider? Most people arrive with a specification, and some of it is genuine while some of it is inherited assumption. Distinguishing the two is most of the work. A stated age range or height requirement that has never been examined can rule out a large share of the people who would suit you, and nobody discovers this without being asked directly.

What do the people closest to you say about your relationships? An indirect route to a pattern you may not describe yourself. Long friendships often hold an accurate account of what someone repeatedly does.

What are you hoping is different this time? The question that tends to produce the most useful answer of the conversation, because it requires naming what went wrong before.

The questions that catch people off guard

Three tend to be unexpected, and all three are ordinary.

How do your adult children feel about you dating? Not a formality. Family resistance shapes the practical terrain of a new relationship, particularly for anyone over sixty, and it is better understood in advance.

How private do you need this to be? A significant share of people asking about matchmaking are doing so precisely because a searchable profile is not an option for them, whether for professional reasons or personal ones. The level of discretion required is a working constraint, not a preference to be noted and forgotten. See how confidentiality actually works in private matchmaking.

What would you want a match to know about you early? This gives you control over how you are introduced, and it usually surfaces something the rest of the conversation missed.

What you should be asking them

Matchmaking is an expensive and unregulated category. The consultation is an assessment in both directions, and a matchmaker who is uncomfortable being questioned is telling you something.

Where do the matches come from? The most important question and the one people most often forget. Ask whether introductions are drawn from paying clients only, from a wider network, or from active recruitment. This determines whether there is anyone suitable for you in reach at all, and our guide to how matchmaker vetting actually works explains what can and cannot be verified about them.

Has someone met the person I would be introduced to? There is a considerable difference between an introduction made by someone who has sat with both parties and one generated from a database. Ask which this is.

Who will actually handle my search? Whether the person in front of you is the person doing the work, or whether you will be handed to someone else after signing.

What happens when an introduction does not work? Ask specifically what feedback is collected and how it changes the next attempt. A search that does not adjust is not a search.

What does the agreement actually commit each of us to? Read it. Ask what is actually promised, what is not, over what period, and what happens if the service cannot find suitable people for you. The wider set of checks is covered in how to choose a reputable matchmaker, and the cost side in what actually drives matchmaker cost.

Who is not a good fit for this service? A useful test. Anyone who claims to be able to help everybody is either not paying attention or not being straight with you.

Answers worth treating with caution

A precise success rate. Figures in the eighty to ninety per cent range circulate widely in this industry and are almost never accompanied by a definition of success or a description of how it was measured. Ask what the number counts. An unwillingness to explain it is the answer, and we have written in detail about how to read matchmaker success rate claims.

Certainty about timing. Nobody can tell you when you will meet someone. A confident answer to that question is a sales technique.

Pressure to decide during the consultation. A discount that expires when you leave the room is a reason to leave the room. This is a considered purchase and any legitimate service will still be there next week.

Vagueness about who you would actually meet. If nobody will describe the kind of people available to someone in your position, in general terms, it is reasonable to wonder whether they exist.

How to prepare

Very little preparation is needed and over-preparing is counterproductive. A rehearsed account of yourself is less useful than an honest one.

Two things are worth thinking about beforehand. What you actually want from the next ten years, in plain terms rather than romantic ones. And which of your stated requirements you could defend if asked why.

Beyond that, answer candidly. The consultation only works if the person opposite you is being told the truth, and the most common reason a search goes nowhere is that somebody was polite instead of accurate.

Frequently asked questions

What questions does a matchmaker ask?

Expect questions about the practical shape of your week, your last serious relationship and how you describe it, what would make you decline a second meeting, which of your stated preferences you would reconsider, and what you hope is different this time. Questions about adult children and about how much privacy you need are also standard.

What should I ask a matchmaker before signing up?

Where the matches come from, whether anyone has actually met the people you would be introduced to, who will handle your search day to day, what happens after an introduction does not work, what the agreement commits each side to, and who the service is not suitable for.

How long does a matchmaking consultation take?

Usually around an hour, sometimes longer. It is a conversation rather than a form, and a consultation that takes fifteen minutes has probably not gathered enough to work from.

Do I have to answer everything?

No. You can decline anything, and a reasonable matchmaker will move on. It is worth being aware that withheld information tends to surface later as a mismatched introduction, so the cost of privacy in this specific setting is usually paid in accuracy.

Should I be honest about my dating history?

Yes, and about the unflattering parts in particular. A pattern you are embarrassed by is precisely the thing that most usefully changes how a search is run. There is nothing you can say that an experienced matchmaker has not heard. If you are ready to begin, you can submit an application, and our FAQ answers the most common practical questions.