29 Oct What Is a Situationship? Signs and How to Get Clarity
You see each other most weekends. You have met a few of his friends. He texts good morning. But you are not sure whether you are allowed to mention it to your sister as a relationship, and when you came close to asking last month, he changed the subject.
There is a word for this now: situationship. It started as slang among younger daters, but plenty of people in their fifties and sixties have found themselves in one, often without a name for it.
What a situationship is
Dictionary.com describes a situationship as a romantic or sexual relationship that is undefined and noncommittal, more than friends but less than committed partners. Two features come up in almost every definition: there is no commitment, and the two people have not talked seriously about what they are.
It is different from the talking stage, which is the early period before you are properly dating. A situationship usually comes later. You are seeing each other regularly, there is real intimacy, and yet nothing has been agreed. Our note on the talking stage covers that earlier phase.
Signs you are in one
There has been no conversation about what this is, and attempts to start one are deflected.
Plans are short-range. You make arrangements for this weekend, rarely for next month.
You are not sure if you are exclusive. Neither of you has said so, and you are not certain what you would hear if you asked.
You are not part of each other’s wider lives. Family, close friends and holidays stay separate.
The emotional depth is uneven. You share more than you receive, or the closeness switches on and off.
Why they happen later in life
Someone is not ready. A recent divorce or bereavement can leave a person wanting company and closeness without being able to commit to more.
Someone wants something different. One person may be happy with companionship and no labels, while the other hopes for a partner. Neither says so plainly.
Fear of losing what there is. Asking for clarity risks ending something good, so the question goes unasked.
That last reason deserves attention. Researchers at the University of Toronto found that people with stronger fears about being single were more willing to settle for less in their relationships, including staying in relationships they were not happy in. This held for both men and women. A situationship that is not giving you what you want can be held in place by exactly that fear.
When a situationship is fine
Not every undefined relationship is a problem. Some people genuinely want companionship without commitment, and if both of you want that and have said so, it is simply an arrangement that suits you.
The difficulty arises when the two people want different things, or when one person has not admitted to themselves what they want. If you notice yourself waiting for it to become something more, it is not fine for you, whatever it is for the other person.
How to get clarity
Decide what you want first. Before you raise it, be honest with yourself. Do you want exclusivity, a committed relationship, or simply to know where you stand?
Ask plainly and calmly. “I have really enjoyed the last few months, and I would like to know where you see this going.” It is a reasonable question, not an ultimatum.
Listen to the answer you get. “I am not sure” after months together is an answer. So is a change of subject.
Act on it. If you want more and they do not, the kindest thing for yourself is usually to step back. Our note on what exclusive means in a relationship can help you frame the conversation.
Frequently asked questions
What is the difference between a situationship and a relationship?
Commitment and clarity. In a relationship, both people have agreed what they are to each other. In a situationship, that conversation has not happened or has been avoided.
How long do situationships last?
There is no set length. Some resolve into relationships within weeks, others drift on for months or years. The longer one continues without a conversation, the less likely it is to change on its own.
Can a situationship turn into a relationship?
Yes, sometimes, usually when one person asks directly and the other is ready. If the other person keeps deflecting, that is unlikely to change.
How do I end a situationship?
Briefly and kindly. Explain that you are looking for something more defined and that you are stepping back. You do not need a long explanation.
Is a situationship the same as friends with benefits?
They overlap. Friends with benefits is usually an explicit agreement. A situationship is more often undefined, with feelings involved on at least one side.
Starting with intentions on the table
Situationships tend to form when two people never say what they are looking for. Matchmaking starts the other way round: everyone you meet has already said they want a committed relationship. If you would rather not spend months guessing, you can apply to work with us.
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